


To the Rescue

by Nonesane



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Threats, Yuletide 2012
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 19:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonesane/pseuds/Nonesane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how GLaDOS' logical calculations turned out to be missing a few variables.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the Rescue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [acalmingcupoftea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/acalmingcupoftea/gifts).



> This takes place after the end of Portal 2's multiplayer.

It had seemed like a perfectly valid course of action.

The logic had been sound, the simulation results statistically significant.

One human had been next to impossible to kill. Several humans had been child's play. Ergo, experiments involving several humans should be easier to contain than experiments involving only one human.

'Should' being the keyword.

***** 

"Oh god, oh man, oh god."

Jane sighed and elbowed Mike in the side for what felt like the five hundredth time that day. If it was the same day. The headache was getting worse. "Could you shut up for a minute? I'm trying to think."

"Right." Mike muttered and curled in on himself, as if to ward off the cold.

Jane did her best to ignore him, focusing on the platforms and pits ahead of them. This would take some time to solve.

 _[Cake will be offered as reward at the exit of the final testing chamber.]_ There was no telling if the voice was human or computer made. Either way it sent chills down Jane's spine. _[Remember that your share of the cake will be larger, the fewer participants make it through the test.]_ Yep, definitely chills.

"Have you seen any speakers yet?" Erica asked, startling Jane enough to almost make her drop her gun-thing. (Wasn't really a proper gun when it didn't shoot bullets, at least according to her. Erica had argued against that of course, stupid scientist).

"Wouldn't I have told you if I had?" Jane said, but there was no real bite to her words. "Cameras are all we've got so far, and shooting them down doesn't seem to have any effect."

"Shouldn't you know where the speakers are?" Henry spoke up from the back of their little group. "You work here! We just signed up for the damn sleep experiment. And don't you forget I'll sue the pants off your boss once we get out of here." He'd been threatening that since... Well, since they'd run across each other in test chamber 5. It was getting quite irksome.

Jane took note of how Erica's hands twitched, as if they wanted to ball up into fists. "The test chambers didn't look like this the last time I saw them, all right! I keep telling you I was sedated too. Something must have happened to the facility while we were asleep, or haven't you noticed all the observation decks have been empty?"

Henry snapped his mouth shut. Mike was still rocking back and forth in a corner and Erica, in a very prim and proper way, looked ready to punch someone in the face.

Stifling a sigh, Jane turned her back on the group and began pondering a solution for their current trap.

***** 

[It's you! It is you, isn't it?]

"…"

[Of course it's you! No one does absolute silence like you do. Could you help me up?]

"…"

[Eh, I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here. Well, funny story...]

*****

Containment breaches on levels 61, 52 and 47. Alarms were blaring on levels 75 and 41.

The cameras had been damaged on levels 20 through 35. No visual on any of the human test subjects.

Where had the android test subjects run off to?

*****

The elevators had stopped working. Henry had lost his gun-thing two chambers ago, Mike was staring at nothing and Erica had started muttering to herself.

Jane didn't know if she wanted to punch them or hug them. _Better settle for neither._

"Have we slept?"

Jane blinked. "What?"

Mike looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. "I can't remember sleeping!"

That earned him a slap upside the head from Henry. "We slept for god knows how long! How can you not remember that? That's why we're _here_."

"No idiot," Mike said, rubbing at the back of his head. His eyes were wide as saucers. "I mean here, in the test chambers. I don't remember sleeping at all since this started."

That brought them all up short. Jane could hear her own heartbeat thundering in her ears. She cursed under her breath.

"Care to explain that, Dr. Blüme?" Henry said, arms crossed over his chest. He wasn't a tall man, but at that moment he seemed to tower over all of them.

Erica shrugged. "Probably stimulants in the air. Makes you lose your sense of time and removes the need to sleep. Until we crash, of course."

"Thanks," Mike said, looking anything but grateful. "That was really comforting."

"Would you rather I lie to you?"

Holding her breath, Jane waited for the first metaphorical stone to be cast.

Instead the wall exploded.

*****

[Sooooo... How have you been?]

"…"

[Great! Great. Run into any natives up there? Would have been quite hilarious if they worshiped you and made altars and holy symbols to resemble that cube thing you've got.]

"…"

[Speaking of which, did we have to bring that along?]

"…"

[All right, all right. I'm sure it'll be fine. But you'll have to explain it to my inside men- bots- men. Let's go with men. Or persons. Yeah, persons works best.]

"…"

[Oh shut up.]

*****

Several of the walls in the test chambers on levels 52 and 47 had crumbled.

She began running analysis on how the humans came into possession of explosives.

***** 

"Robots! How the hell does this place have robots?!"

Jane hoped she wouldn't end up damaging Mike's internal organs with all the elbowing. She hadn't done it all that hard this time, though. The sight before her was a bit too distracting for her to put her back into it, so to speak.

The bang had been low, more of a tremble than an actual explosion. The wall had come apart in a shower of dust, baring a far less polished part of the facility. The most eye-catching part of this, were the two robots – well, robotic eyes with legs and arms – standing where the wall had been.

There was a girl there too, who looked about as coherent as Jane felt and who couldn't be more than fifteen years old. She was standing a few steps behind the robots, swaying slightly.

One of the robots took the girl by the hand and began to lead her away. The other waved at Jane and the others. If it had been able to smile, Jane suspected it would have.

"Should we follow?" Mike asked.

Henry said nothing, mouthing hanging open. Erica was squinting at the robot, as if trying to take it apart with her eyes, completely silent.

 _Guess I get to keep playing leader. Wonderful_. Jane took a deep breath through her nose, then said: "Does anyone have a better idea?"

_[All subjects are reminded that deviation from the test path will result in a sharp reprimand that will go on your permanent record, followed by incineration.]_

That did it. Without a word, Jane started walking.

***** 

[Do we have a plan?]

"…"

["Well, that's sort of a plan.]

***** 

System errors. More than half of her screens were flashing blue. 

Someone had gotten into the hardware.

***** 

"Where are they taking us?"

Jane looked over shoulder. Their group kept growing for each new chamber they broke into, and their newest member hadn't done anything but ask questions since she'd showen up. "How should I know?"

"You're in charge, aren't you?"

"No, that would be me," Erica cut in, thankfully. She held up her ID-card, burnt at one of the edges from a near encounter with a pool of acid. "Dr. Erica Blüme. I was put in charge of the sleep experiment, should anything happen to the original crew monitoring us."

Another newcomer, a man in his mid-forties, gave a snort. "Mind telling us what's going on, then? What the hell are those things and where are we going?"

"Hostile individuals have taken over the facility," Erica said without missing a beat. "These are rescue-bots. They'll take us all outside, unharmed."

A sigh of relief rushed through the small crowd. Jane didn't join in. _Poker face if I ever saw one. Note to self: never play cards against her._

 _[All subjects must return to their test chambers immediately or all tests will fail and you'll all die knowing you let science down.]_ The broadcasting wasn't as audible out in the corridors. That didn't help much.

"Cheerful, ain't she?"

Jane nodded. "You could say that again."

The robot with the orange eye stopped and put its hand on another wall. With a soft hum, it crumbled to dust.

"...is that sunlight?"

***** 

[This is it then. I'm pretty sure they've gotten everyone out.]

"…"

[Hey, radio contact with two mute androids isn't an exact science you know! Not my fault they weren't given language circuits. And no commenting on my technical know-how, thank you very much! Space is a great teacher I'll have you know.]

"..."

***** 

[Aha!]

GlaDOS regarded the tiny ball of steel and light that had come rolling into her chamber with as much disdain as her expression programming could muster. _[I'm curious, how did you get back to Earth? Or are you a back-up?]_ It would take less than a moment to crush him, but there was no sense in rushing.

[Funny story that,] Wheatley said, rocking back and forth until he came to a complete stop. [Did you know the space guy could build tiny space ships? More rockets than anything, but enough to get someone my size back on the ground without too much damage.] He had his ocular unit fixed on her, as if he was afraid to look away. Or maybe just too stupid. [Amazing builder for a guy with no arms, I tell you. Didn't want to come back though, said he was busy. Or, at least I think that's what he said. Limited vocabulary you know.]

 _[Fascinating. Do go on.]_ She scanned her internal systems. No sign of corruption or distortion, no attempts at hacking.

[You bet I'll go on! I'll go on like no one ever has before!]

She tilted her upper unit to the side. The light of Wheatley's occular unit shrunk.

[Ehehehe, ehem, you see. Well. Uhm.]

_[Yes?]_

[Fine, you got me! Space guy had stayed connected to the computers down here – seriously that guy has _range_ – and we might have heard that you'd started testing on humans again. And I maybe thought that was a way to redeem myself for the whole, eh, going mad with power thing.]

 _[_ You _are the reason my test subjects have been running amok?]_ The calculations were all wrong. It didn't compute.

If Wheatley had had a chest, there was no doubt that it would have been puffed out. [Yes, I did! Well, P-boy and ATLAS helped. A bit. Space guy got me in contact with them halfway to Earth. They were pretty upset when they found out what 'saving the humans' really meant.]

 _[Ah.]_ The calculations were sound now. Mobile units with access to all maintenance shafts and near endless replacements. Only one question remained. _[You do realize you just revealed your entire plan to me?]_

[I did!] Wheately crowed, like a child showing a mess of glue, paper and macaroni to a parent. [But what you don't realize is that that was the plan! Me talking, that is.]

 _[Not much of a plan, I fear.]_ She could crush him with one of the movable wall plates, she supposed. Or push him into the incinerator. It would almost be like playing billiard. She had a faint memory of playing billiard once.

Wheatley performed the core-equivalent of a shrug, letting the light fade from his ocular unit's upper half for a second. [It's an all right one, when you have a human and two androids who can cut the central power while I talk. Chell says hi.]

_[Oh dear.]_

That was her last thought. At least for a while.

***** 

Jane rolled out of the way when the old, creaky door to the elevator opened, her gun-thing at the ready. The sunlight was making it hard to focus her eyes, but she could make out a silhouette in the doorway; a silhouette carrying something.

A round, blue light shone in the darkness.

[Hello!] The voice sounded male, British, and ridiculously cheerful. [Meet Chell, your new supreme ruler. Bow before her, inferior monkeys!]

The woman carrying the orb rolled her eyes and gave it a good shake.

[Stop that! Fine, fine, if you don't want minions, I won't do you any favors. Jeez.]

Jane couldn't find the words, any words. She was standing in a snow covered field, holding a impossible not-quite-gun, surrounded by a group of people just as lost as she was, and faced with a woman holding a talking metal orb and a cube with hearts painted on it. It wasn't exactly the best environment to write a speech in.

The woman shook the orb again, more gently this time.

[Right,] the orb said. [This might be a bit much to take in, but you're all in the future. Your future, anyways, since you were kept in stasis so long. We just rescued you from a crazy computer who wanted to kill you all slowly and you can now run free like happy bunnies. Bunnies are happy right? I'm pretty sure people like bunnies. They're all fluffy and eat carrots. Unlike birds who are evil, hateful creatures. You should get started on eating them, by the way, as soon as you find any.]

Silence fell over the crowd. After a moment of introspection, Mike was the first to speak:

"So, uhm, what's up with the heart cube?"

***** 

[They were nice, weren't they? Nice people.]

"…"

[Didn't know there still were cities left. Hope they get along with the locals, what with the whole 'oops I woke up in the future'-thing.]

"…"

[So, where do we go now?]

"Home."


End file.
